SEX IN MARRIAGE

The sexual aspect of marriage is an adventure that the two of you experience together. It will evolve through the years as you develop trust in and learn from each other. Time is on your side, so take it slow and easy. When it comes to the sexual relationship, men and women are different not only physically, but also emotionally. Those differences, if understood and responded to appropriately, can make the sexual aspect of marriage both pleasurable and powerful. Even though every woman is different, and your woman's preferences will evolve over time and vary from day to day, you should find most of the advice below to be helpful.

Sex is designed to be an experience of extreme emotional and physical intimacy between a man and woman. Such intimacy produces physical and emotional pleasure that provides comfort and promotes trust. The sense of emotional and physical oneness experienced together carries over into everyday life and helps to bind a couple together. The emotional effects of sex color every other aspect of the marital relationship, generally increasing happiness, satisfaction and mutual good will, and, like oil in an engine, reducing the friction and 'wear and tear' inherent in human interactions.

FREE HER SEXUAL NATURE

Men and women see sex differently. Sex looks a little bit different from a woman's perspective for 5 reasons:

1. She feels more vulnerable and has a greater need for protection. A woman is usually physically weaker and emotionally more sensitive than a man. These differences are magnified in sexual situations. She must also be more concerned about pregnancy and social consequences of being sexual.
2. The sexual areas of her body are extremely sensitive to touch. Touches to these areas are very pleasurable when she is aroused, but annoying or even painful when she is not.
3. She is very sensitive to the way people (and especially her lover) perceive her physical appearance. She knows that men are very visually oriented.
4. She is less visually oriented but more tuned in to words and speech.
5. Her mind is less easily focused, and is more easily distracted from sex by thoughts of other concerns.

When these 5 concerns are properly addressed, a woman can be as much of a sexual creature as a man can be.

You can help her to feel safe by being absolutely faithful to her sexually, being sensitive to her many needs, connecting with her emotionally through pleasant conversation before attempting to connect with her physically, being tender and gentle in all that you do, being completely faithful to her, holding her in your arms, or putting your arm around her.

You can avoid causing her physical pain by approaching sensitive areas of her body gradually, touching her nipples or genitals only when she is aroused, using lubricant as needed, avoiding rubbing across the surface of her skin for too long (Instead, push a little harder so that her skin moves with your hand), using a "broad brush" touch (caressing her with your palm or the flat surfaces of 2 or more extended fingers, instead of with your fingertips).

You can reassure her that you find her physically attractive by frequently telling her so, by verbally admiring her breasts as soon as she gets naked (For extra effect, cup one or both of them in your hand(s) as you tell her how beautiful they are.), and by not gazing at other women.

You can take advantage of her verbal orientation by speaking to her lovingly and appreciatively at all times, and especially during sex.

You can help her to focus her mind on her sexual feelings (so that she can enjoy them more) by seducing her, caressing more than one area of her body at once (for example, massage one or both of her nipples while you are stimulating her clitoris) and by talking "sweet nothings" to her as you are sexually caressing her.

As you take good care of her by doing these things, you will be helping her to gradually gain confidence, lose inhibitions, and feel greater sexual desire and enjoyment.

MAKE HER A KITTEN

If you want her to play with your penis like a kitten plays with a ball of yarn, you must make sure that it represents fun and pleasure, not frustration and pain. To her, your erect penis should be a sign of her attractiveness to you, rather than of your lust for other women. The sight of it should bring pleasurable memories. If you get your thrills by looking at other women or by selfishness in your sexual relationship, your penis will be loathsome to your wife. On the other hand, if she knows that it and your desires are all for her, and if you focus your sexual activities on giving her pleasure, then she will find your penis fun, attractive, and irresistible.

GIVE HER PASSIONATE KISSES

Most women, when in the proper mood and relationship, really enjoy passionate kissing. There are some ways of passionate kissing that are almost universally appreciated by women, and others that are equally unappreciated. She will enjoy passionate kissing most when she is feeling good about your relationship and is in the proper mood. To help her into the proper mood, try giving her a hand with the housework, getting the kids to bed, lighting some candles, and putting on some soft music. Your woman will likely appreciate it if you start kissing her lightly and slowly while you hold her close and speak tenderly to her. She would also prefer that you keep your mind in the present, relishing the kisses with her rather than thinking about what might be coming next, or worse, about some other woman. Kisses should generally start dry and soft, so that she has a chance to leave her world behind and focus on the present. They can gradually become more passionate as she responds positively. If she seems to want more, try giving her some tactile attention (while still kissing) by supporting the back of her head or neck with your hand, running your fingers through her hair, gently cupping or holding her chin or jaw with your fingers, or lightly caressing other non-sexual areas of her body. Most women enjoy soft kisses on the neck. If sufficiently aroused, she may enjoy it if you progress from the soft kisses on her neck to soft licks there or along the curves of her outer ear or behind her ear. You can add light caresses to non-sexual areas of her body, such as her back or outer thighs. Some things you should NOT do include putting your tongue in her ear, flicking it in and out of her mouth, licking her face, or being slobbery in any way. If she is enjoying the kissing, don't rush it. Relax and enjoy it with her for a while.

SEDUCE HER

A woman is naturally as much of a sexual creature as a man is. But how much of that natural sexiness you see will depend on how you treat her. A woman loves attention, to be treated tenderly, to be desired, and to be needed. In short, she loves to be seduced by her man. Seduction is mental foreplay that awakens a woman's desire for physical intimacy. Follow the pointers below to seduce your woman, so that she can desire and enjoy sex like never before.

First, be desirable. Be the kind of man that a woman would want to be close to. Here are some places to start.

• Be absolutely faithful to her. Let her know that she is the only object of your sexual desire. She cannot give herself completely to you unless she knows that you are completely hers, and that you are not comparing her with any other woman. A woman does not like to share her man. A consequence of this is that sexual fidelity is naturally seductive to a woman. If she knows that she is your sole source of sexual gratification, she will feel more willing to provide it. If she knows you don't look at the bodies of other women, she will be more into showing you hers, and so forth.
• Be responsible. Make things right in your relationship with her. She cannot fully enjoy physical intimacy with you when she is feeling resentful or angry. Make sure that you are doing your part in the marriage and meeting her basic emotional needs.
• Be a little interesting and exciting. There's not much of interest in a couch potato. Get some hobbies together with her. Be a little unconventional without being impolite.
• Be physically pleasant. Women, no matter how long they have been married, find their husbands more desirable if they are handsome. To be handsome, you may need to slim down, tone up, stand tall, get a haircut, smile and dress neatly. Women are very sensitive to smell and cleanliness. Take care of any body odor by scrubbing long and hard with plenty of soap. Eliminate bad breath by carefully flossing and brushing your teeth, and brushing the entire top of your tongue until it is pink. Don't drink or smoke. You'll smell better. Besides, she should be your only addiction.
• Be emotionally pleasant. Be sensitive to her feelings. Be happy to be with her. Smile. Use a pleasant voice. Be optimistic and appreciative in the way you speak. Help her to feel safe, desired and appreciated by the way you look at her, smile at her, and speak to her. She in turn will appreciate, desire, and want to please you. Never do or say anything to hurt her or make her fear you. Never put her down, even in fun. A woman naturally feels more vulnerable than does a man. Consequently, she has a primal need to feel safe and secure. In order to freely and completely give herself to you, she must know that you value and care for her as a person, and that you will be tender and careful with both her body and her feelings.
• Be grateful. Make sure she sees that you consider intimacy with her as a great privilege that you are willing to work for. A woman intensely needs and wants to feel valued, and to never be taken for granted. She is a princess. Don't assume that she is available without effort.
• Be penitent. If you have said or done something that offended her during the day, get it behind you by apologizing fully and sincerely. She will be much better able to enjoy intimacy with you if she is not holding a grudge.
• Be patient. A woman blossoms over time with proper care. She will greatly appreciate and respond to understanding from you.

Second, focus her mind on her sensual needs. Sexual desires in a woman are buried a little deeper than in a man. While a man can become sexually aroused quite quickly, a woman usually needs some time and the right environment to get into an amorous frame of mind. Arousal in a woman is more a decision than a reaction. For this reason, an abrupt amorous advance from her man may seem annoying or inconsiderate rather than pleasurable. There are things you can do to help her to make the decision to become aroused.

• Remove distractions and free her mind from other cares. Make sure she gets enough rest, help her with household chores, get the kids to bed early, or even get her out of the house for a while. She cannot be into you if her mind is somewhere else.
• Tell her she's sexy. Most women, no matter how pretty to others, question their own attractiveness. Your woman can't feel sensual when she's feeling self-conscious about her body. She won't want to give it to you if she doesn't think you find it attractive. Women respond well to positive body comments and attention. Never insult any part of her body, but do let her know what physical features of hers you particularly enjoy. Tell her you really find her eyes, her hair, her smile, her long legs, or the curve of her jaw attractive. Always treat her as fresh and exciting. Buy a negligee or dress for her, and tell her you would love to see her in it. Give her admiring looks. Pull her into your arms and steal a kiss. Tell her she's beautiful. Tell her how intoxicating and sexy she is just to look at, or how her skills as a lover make delicious memories. Your objective is to get her mind focused in a positive way on her body and its attractiveness to you. As you help her to feel beautiful you will also be helping her to feel sexy . . . and sexual.
• Provide and intimate situation. Get the two of you together, focused on each other, preferably alone.
• Build her anticipation. If the two of you have planned an evening of lovemaking, do something ahead of time to help her look forward with eager anticipation to your time together. Bring her a rose or write her a note as a reminder of your love for her. Tell her how much you cherish her, and that you want to show it by taking care of her needs. Give her hints of your intentions for the special evening. They will be seeds in her mind to get her imagination working for you.
• Provide a soft sensuous atmosphere. Provide a relaxing distraction-free atmosphere that will help her leave the world behind and focus on her senses and on you. A woman responds keenly to her environment, including sounds, scents, and sights. Get her alone with you in a clean, comfortable, safe, private place. Prepare her a warm bubble bath, then dim the lights, put on some pleasant music, or light some scented candles. Such a sensuous environment will provide her with non-sexual pleasure appetizers that will focus her mind on her senses and bring her physical needs to the surface.

Third, communicate your burning desire for her (Pursue her). A woman loves to be admired, appreciated, and desired for all that she is. It helps her to feel cherished. She especially loves to be admired and desired for her femininity. It helps her to feel valuable, beautiful and sexy. No woman wants to be taken for granted. She is not interested in a man who believes she is sexually available without effort. She wants to be seen as a valuable prize that will have to be earned or conquered. If you want sex with her, she will have to be either seduced or "forced" (this pretty much sums up a woman's fantasies). Let your woman know that you have an overwhelming admiration and desire for the female sex, and that she is the chosen object of that burning desire. Let her know that you desperately want and need the company of her mind and her body. Show her that you are a slave to your desire for her, that you would go to any length for her, and that you are totally absorbed in her entire womanhood. This is the secret of any great seducer, and the lure that will open her heart to you. Make her feel desirable and desired, and she will desire you. As she sees that you have a weakness for the pleasures of her femininity, she will feel powerful, and you will seem sexual. And . . . she'll know how to get to you. Here are some details.

• Perform great and daring feats. Do something special for her. Show her how much you desire her by going farther than anyone else to win her love. With dragons and invading armies generally unavailable, you may have to use your imagination. Try vacuuming the floors, washing her car, or making a reservation for the two of you at one of her favorite restaurants. If she sees that your great feat has required planning and effort, she will be all the more impressed.
• Give her plenty of positive personal attention. Loving attention is the fuel that feeds her romantic fires. This includes being a pleasant friend, showing appreciation for the little things she does for you, and giving her plenty of nonsexual touches.
• Give her the look of desire. Make her feel desirable by the way you look at her. A wink, a smile, a hungry stare can tell her more than words could express. Look lovingly into her eyes on a regular basis.
• Express your admiration and desire with words. Write her letters or poems. Flatter her with sweet nothings. Tell her how much she means to you, and how much you enjoy being with her.
• Let her know you are thinking about her. A woman loves to be thought about. Call her from work and tell her you are thinking about her. Hide a note in her purse for her to find when she is away from you.
• Flirt with her. Let her know that you want her company and her sex. Adjust your flirting to her personality and mental state. A woman who is stressed or intently focused on something else will need to be wooed gradually and gently, while a woman who is already anticipating attention from you can be talked "dirty" to, and maybe even pinched or groped.
• Give her a gift. Throughout the animal world, males present their females with gifts in hopes of winning their hearts. A bird may present shiny metallic objects. A spider may present a ball of silk. Dinner at a nice restaurant, a nice card, flowers, chocolates, a bowl of ice cream, a letter or poem you have written, jewelry, or lingerie are good bets for winning over human females. So is a long, nonsexual massage. Location can help. Take her into the bedroom and present her with fancy chocolate or another favorite treat, or leave a rose in a vase by the bed. When she sees that you have made a special effort purely for her pleasure, she will feel more generous toward you. Having received something special from you, she may just want to give you something in return. It's psychology at its most primitive.
• Let her see that you are turned on. This could mean not hiding an erection. On the other hand, it could have negative connotations for her, depending on her past experiences.

Fourth, engage her in conversation. A woman cannot fully enjoy physical intimacy with her man unless she first feels emotionally connected with him. Emotional connection happens through pleasant conversation and loving looks. It requires time, tenderness, and patience on the man's part. A man who takes time to converse with his woman will find her much more responsive. Hold her or sit close to her, smile lovingly at her, ask her about her day or her family, then listen without giving advice. Just try to understand how she is feeling, and how life looks to her. A woman who feels understood and cared for will be better able to leave her other concerns behind for a while and focus her mind on romance. If you can spare more time, play a board game of her choice with her, or take her out to dinner. Let her know that you are enjoying every moment of the present with her. Don't rush. Ask her about her interests and hobbies. If she sees that you are interested in her, she will find you more interesting. It was likely these kinds of activities with her while you were first dating that won her heart in the first place. Most women get immense pleasure out of conversation. Meet this need of hers, and you will be well-rewarded as she tries to find ways to meet your needs. A phone call or note ahead of time can get you started early in creating a strong connection.

Fifth, touch her with gradually increasing intimacy. Generally this means nonsexual touch, then nonsexual kissing, then passionate kissing, then touching her breasts, belly, or buttocks, then genital touching, etc. See the next section.

The order of these five items may vary and they are often all happening simultaneously, but in general, intimate contact should be saved for late in the seduction process.

Your goal is to gradually build her anticipation of sex, her focus on her sexual needs, her enjoyment of your presence, and her degree of arousal.

TOUCH HER LIKE YOU MEAN IT

"I want a man with a slow hand. I want a lover with an easy touch. I want somebody who will spend some time. Not come and go in a heated rush. I want somebody who will understand. When it comes to love, I want a slow hand" (Slow Hand, Pointer Sisters)

Once properly seduced, a woman is emotionally ready to begin being physically intimate with her man. However, she cannot fully enjoy physical intimacy until her body is aroused. While a man can become aroused in a matter of seconds, arousal for a woman more often occurs gradually as her body is given increasingly intimate attention.

Every woman is different, and has different desires and expectations. Only she can tell you what they are. However, the techniques in this section are applicable to most women in most situations. They reflect the tender, passionate love-making of romance novels and female fantasies. It may be helpful to talk in detail about each of the following items with your wife. Her answers will be more helpful than any manual, and she will appreciate your efforts to learn how to please her.

There are 4 levels of increasing sexual stimulation:

1. Holding her hand; putting your arm around her waist or shoulders; glancing admiringly at her body; touching or lightly kissing her lips, face or feet; rubbing her back or shoulders; hugging her close; gazing into her eyes; brushing her hair; telling her how much you love her or how beautiful, skilled or sexy she is. Being close to you (especially face to face) and the pleasant sensations help her feel connected to you and prepare her mind and body for more stimulation. If you have given her a proper atmosphere and enough time, and if she chooses to let herself be persuaded, she will signal her desire for more physical affection by snuggling up to you, returning your kisses, or otherwise showing her desire for more physical contact.

2. Deep kissing; kissing her neck; cupping or lightly kissing her breasts; kissing or stroking her inner thighs; kissing, stroking, or massaging her buttocks; stroking or kissing her outer labia.

3. Licking, suckling, or rolling her nipples between finger and thumb; stimulating her clitoris by deep massaging her outer labia; vaginal penetration; caressing her inner labia.

4. Directly stimulating her well-lubricated clitoris.

In touching your woman, you should generally match the intimacy and intensity of stimulation with her current level of arousal. Being touched intimately before she is sufficiently aroused is usually annoying and sometimes even painful to a woman. She may also find it annoying if you progress too slowly. Normally you should start at level 1 and progress to each new level as her degree of arousal increases. Choose one or two ways to please her from each level. Stay at each level for several minutes. If she is very eager, you can proceed faster or skip a level. For example, if she's already giving you affectionate hugs and kisses, you can breeze through level 1 to level 2. If she is passionately kissing and groping you, reciprocate (level 2). If she's ripping your pants off, go directly to level 3. Proceed only as fast and far as she is willing. She may only want to hug and kiss, or she may want penetration but no orgasm. You are in this for the long term, so be patient. If you treat her right, she will probably become more sexual as weeks, months, and years pass. (If she responds coolly, drop down to a lower level or back up and work on seducing her again.)

Start with non-sexual non-intimate touches while she is still clothed. Undress her slowly unless she is very excited, in which case you should do it quickly. A good approach is to start from one end of her body, and gradually work toward the middle, giving attention to progressively more intimate areas as she relaxes and responds positively. You might start by kissing or massaging her feet, and working your way up to her inner thighs and beyond, or start by kissing her face and neck, then kissing or touching her back or shoulders, working your way down to her breasts or buttocks and beyond. Give plenty of attention to at least one highly erogenous zone, such as her breasts, buttocks, inner thighs, pubis, or outer labia, before going any farther. Such attention will provide her with pleasure and produce arousal in her genital area, so that direct genital contact will be pleasant rather than painful. Try to maintain skin contact as you move from one area to the next. Start with soft slow rhythmic caresses or dry kisses, introducing wet kisses or faster or firmer caresses only as she becomes aroused.

Having the sensitive areas of her body touched before they are ready is not pleasant for a woman. Approaching those areas gradually will give her a chance to prepare mentally and physically for the more intimate touches and provide some pleasure-heightening anticipation. By starting with less intimate touch and working your way gradually toward her most intimate areas, you are giving her mind and body a chance to become aroused so that touch to those sensitive areas will be pleasurable rather than uncomfortable. You may also help her to prepare for intimate touches by creating anticipation as you let her know by your words or general direction of movement where you are headed next, or by indirectly stimulating sensitive areas before touching them directly. For example, you can stimulate her nipples indirectly through her bra, and you can stimulate her clitoris indirectly by massaging her outer labia. You can also "introduce yourself" to a sensitive area of her body by touching it lightly, then waiting a minute or two before giving it more prolonged attention.

Once you get beyond level 1, try to stimulate her in 2 or more ways at once to increase her pleasure and give her more sensations to focus on so that her mind doesn't wander. For example, tell her how beautiful her breasts are while you cup them in your hands, or how sexy she is while stroking her labia. Deep kiss her while penetrating her or stimulating her clitoris. Fondling her nipple(s) while you are massaging her clitoris may also help her reach orgasm. Let her known that she can stimulate her own nipples with her fingers at this time so you can give her attention elsewhere.

Touching or rubbing any sensitive area of her body can quickly become annoying or painful to her as nerves are over stimulated or tire. Enough lubricant, oil, or lotion will usually prevent this. When caressing her nipples, inner labia, vagina or clitoris, use lubricant so that your touch is not rough or painful. Alternatively you can keep things pleasurable for her by rolling her nipples between finger and thumb rather than rubbing them. When touching her outer lab, press a little harder so that the skin moves with your hand rather than rubbing against it. In this way you can keep going longer as you are giving gentle stimulation to deeper layers (the clitoris in this case).

Be gentle but firm. A touch that is too hard too soon will produce pain rather than pleasure. A touch that is too light will just tickle. Gentle, firm stroking or pressure is best. Don't rub over the surface of her skin for too long unless it is well lubricated, as this can soon become unpleasant. Rather, press a little harder so that her skin moves with your hand to provide deeper sensations. Broad touches (with the palm or the palm side of four fingers, rather than fingertips) usually feel best because they provide more uniform pressure while stimulating a broader area.

Be absolutely clean so that your smell doesn't turn her off. Scrub hard with plenty of soap every day.

Enjoy her in the present. Enjoy her, not some fantasy. Don't let your mind wander. She needs to be the focus of your attention.

Focus on giving rather than getting. Be tender. Focus on pleasing her. If you do this, she can better take care of your needs. Your rewards will be manifold in time.

Ladies first. Let her reach her peak of pleasure first. She will then be more inclined to take you there. As you begin genital play (stimulation focused on her inner labia, vagina, or clitoris), start with a slow rhythm and broad strokes. Try different angles. Apply lubricant if needed. Once you hit a rhythm and angle she seems to enjoy, stay with it for a while. Be aware of any signals she gives you by her words or movements. She may indicate that just a little more speed or pressure is all she needs to climax, or she may want you to ease off a bit for more comfort. If stimulation of the clitoris continues long enough (20-30 minutes or so), and she is in an appropriate emotional state (not too tired, distracted, stressed, etc.) she will naturally approach orgasm. You can do this during intercourse by inserting fully so that your pubis is pressed against her clitoris, then making shorts up/down or circular movements. Giving simultaneous attention to her nipples during genital play can increase her enjoyment and chance of orgasm. Letting her stimulate her own nipples may work even better. Let her take control by moving her clitoris against your body. All of your touching should demonstrate something between hunger and worship, and should always reflect tenderness (even when being quick or a little rough). A woman needs to be needed, wanted, but also respected and safe.

Keep a conversation going. This will help her to feel emotionally connected to you. Respond positively (with happy moans, etc.) to any intimate advances from her. Ask for and welcome her feedback/requests so your touches become most pleasurable to her. You may increase her enjoyment by telling her what you are doing to her, or how good it feels to you, looking intently into her eyes, interlacing her fingers with yours, etc.

Mix in some verbal worship. As you rub her shoulders, tell her how much you appreciate all she does and how much she means to you. Suggest that you would like to express more appreciation by giving her a back rub. Tell her how her lips are like wine, and how good it feels to touch yours to them, how good it is to feel her curvaceous body in your hands. Turning her on through multiple senses at the same time will increase her pleasure. Talking to her is also a good way to get feedback. If she responds positively, you can go farther. If not, back off or slow down a little. As you kiss her neck, tell her how fine her neck is. Undo a button of her blouse as you tell her how fresh she looks. Tell her how sexy you think her legs are and how warm they feel to your hand as you place a hand on her knee and push the hem of her skirt up an inch or two. You will be helping her feel sexy and beautiful at the same time you are focusing her mind on the touches you are giving her, and on the pleasant feelings they produce. As you progress a little further, ask her tenderly if it hurts. She'll feel your love for her, and your question will make her pleasure seem greater because of the contrast. Tell her how much you want to do something to her, and then do it. The shot of anticipation will enhance her pleasure. Tell her how much you are enjoying touching her, and how much you want more. You will be helping her to feel sexy and needed. A woman desperately needs to be needed. With luck she'll be eager to meet your needs. Be positive in everything you say during lovemaking. Anything negative is a turn-off. "Lay you down and softly whisper pretty love words in your ear. Lay you down and tell you all the things a woman loves to hear." (Lay You Down, Conway Twitty).

Stay with her. Don't turn away after sex. Following intense arousal, a woman will often experience a period of euphoric afterglow. During this time, she needs her man to hold her close and or talk lovingly to her. Otherwise she may feel used and rejected. Ease off with your touches and keep holding her close for at least a few minutes.

Get feedback. After an experience, ask her what she especially liked and why. Use that information to try to make the next time better for her, then get more feedback. Let her teach you what she likes, and what works for her. She is better than any manual. Never make her feel pressured to perform any certain way, or try to get her to do anything she is not comfortable with. She should feel free and at ease. You should accept whatever she gives you as a gift, and be content to let her experiment on her own timetable. Let her lead in trying new things. She may need a little more time and trust to be ready for some things. Focus on providing the environment in which she can blossom and enjoy physical intimacy.

Don't get too hung up on technique. For becoming a great lover, seduction, tenderness and communication will probably get you much farther than experimenting with different techniques. Nevertheless, these principles should be helpful to learn and keep in the back of your mind.

AN EXAMPLE

You are on a horse ride with her in a secluded area in the mountains. You have kept yourself in good shape and look good in your jeans, western cut shirt, and hat. You have planned the trip and taken care of all of the food and arrangements. She feels like you have put in some extraordinary effort just for her. As you ride you have good conversation and generally enjoy the time together. You let her know how beautiful she looks and how much you are enjoying spending time with her. By the time you get to a secluded lake, you are both hot and dusty. A bath would be great. You strip and wade into the water. Assuming that this doesn't shock her too much, she can now see that you are turned on from being in her presence. You say something like "Wouldn't a cool bath feel great right now? I don't suppose there is any way I could convince you to take those jeans off and come in here." She is tempted by the clean water, strips to her underwear, and wades into the water. You swim, circling her like a shark. She feels your admiring stare and begins to realize the power of her feminine attraction. She knows you want her and that she is turning you on. These thoughts bring her own sexual needs a little closer to the surface. You stand and give her a light kiss on the lips. She accepts it well, so you let your light kisses follow a path along her jawbone, down her neck, and between her breasts. You let a hand brush once over her nipple, then grab her by the hips and tell her how beautiful she is in the sunlight. You see that she is a little cold and suggest that you can hold her a little closer to warm her up, which you do. You passionately kiss her and then place both hands on her buttocks and pull her against your erection. After 30 seconds of kissing, you let one hand move to brush over her labia while the other continues to hold her close to you. All the while she has felt cared for (because of your work in planning the trip), valued (because of you effort to spend time with her), admired (because of the way you looked at her), and desired (the flirting and the erection). She also feels attracted to you (because of your sexy body, good company, etc.), that she owes you something (for the enjoyable trip), and increasingly feels the power of her own sexual needs. Her anticipation of what might happen next gradually builds, focusing her mind and intensifying her emotions. This is the classic kind of female fantasy that romance novels are consumed for. It may not be quite realistic, but you can use the same principles in the kitchen and bedroom.

MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL

Your wife's body will naturally become more attractive to you as you associate it with pleasurable sexual experiences. It will also help if you avoid looking at the bodies of other women that are made to appear sexy, because they will tend to make you less satisfied with your wife's appearance. Finally, you should avoid seeing your wife's naked body too much in non-sexual situations, since it can lose its novelty if it becomes associated in your mind with mundane activities.

You can use the principles of psychological conditioning to make your wife more attractive to you. Each time you see your woman's body in a sexual context (such as during intimate relations, or while you are thinking sex thoughts, or while she is modeling clothing or flaunting for you, or when she is flirting with you, etc.), it becomes more attractive to you. Seeing particular parts of her body only in seductive or sexual situations will give them an exciting association in your mind. Gaze at her while you are feeling amorous or being intimate with her. If there is a particular part of her body that you would like to find more attractive, think about pleasurable sex while you are gazing at it, and tell yourself that it is sexy. The pleasurable feelings that your thoughts produce will become associated in your mind with what you are looking at, making the sight of her more pleasing in other situations.

Similarly, each time you see her exposed body in a mundane context (brushing her teeth, watching television, etc.), it becomes less romantically inspiring to you. Seeing her exposed body too frequently can decrease its "shock value", particularly if the instances are prolonged or associated with an unpleasant atmosphere. You should be careful in explaining this to her so that she won't be offended when she realizes that there are times you would prefer not to see her unclothed body.

It may also help to carry an attractive but realistic photograph of your wife to look at briefly when you are feeling a particular need for female beauty. As your wife becomes the only woman you let yourself see with hungry eyes, she will become more attractive to you.

BE SATISFIED WITH HER LOVE PLAY

If you treat your wife right and are patient, she will naturally and gradually become the sexual creature that can keep you satisfied. If you let fantasies of other women or other activities compete with her in your mind, however, you will never be satisfied. Make your fantasies to work for you rather than against you. Fantasize about your wife and the things she does that please you. Starve the fantasies you may have of other women and behaviors. You starve a fantasy by refusing to let it occupy your mind. Whenever it comes into your thoughts, say to yourself "I don't want to think about that" and immediately think about something completely different (like a project at work). A starved fantasy will eventually fade away, leaving you much more satisfied with reality.

Especially starve fantasies of behaviors that women do not generally find appealing, such as group sex, anal sex, sex with strangers, same-sex play, pornography and forced sex. The vast majority of women simply do not find even the thought of such activities to be exciting. In a respected study, each of these sexual activities was considered "very appealing" by less than 1 in 7 men and less than 1 in 19 women (Sex in America: A Definitive Survey, 1994, by R. T. Michael, J. H. Gagnon, E. O. Laumann, and G. Kolata). These activities may be fun for you to fantasize about, but if you were to actually experience them, you would likely find them to be somewhat disappointing. Each of these activities is missing one or more critical ingredients of powerful romantic sex, such as intimacy, tenderness, cleanliness, male-female differences, etc. The lure of these activities is the novelty they promise. There are, however, more productive ways to integrate novelty into your love play.

When used properly, sex brings a man and woman closer together because of the mutual enjoyment. There are two rules that determine whether a sexual activity is appropriate in marriage.

First, it must be exclusive to the marital relationship. It must directly involve both husband and wife, even if one is involved only as a spectator, and no other person. Any sexual activity that involves any person other than the husband or wife is likely to weaken mutual desire and trust in the marriage relationship. Sex that is solitary is also undesirable because it takes energy from the marital sexual relationship.

Second, it must not be harmful to the marital relationship. It must be safe in both a medical and a psychological sense. In addition, it should be either enjoyed by both partners, or enjoyed by one and neutral (not distasteful or painful) to the other.